The Year of the Beasts Page 6

  Lulu squeezed her sister’s hand warmly, to show support, but to Tessa it felt like a condemnation.

  “I’m not a liar,” Tessa said.

  “I know,” Lulu said. But she didn’t sound sure.

  “Did you try to reach him?” Celina asked.

  “Did something happen?” Lulu asked.

  “I’m going to walk home,” Tessa said.

  “But it’s dark,” Celina said.

  “I don’t think you should be alone,” Lulu said.

  “I don’t care,” Tessa said and her feet, which had been so firmly planted on the sidewalk for two hours were suddenly itching to move out of there. Tessa walked. And walked and walked.

  He was there, in the woods, under a makeshift tarp that slapped against the trees. Jasper was sitting there and he looked so different. So slight. So small. So flawed.

  Tessa’s eyes hardened.

  “I can explain,” he said.

  “How? How can you explain?”

  “My mom wanted me to help her.”

  “Don’t blame your mom.”

  “I’m not. It just made me a little late getting out the door. But I went. I showed up.”

  Tessa stared at him. Not saying anything. She had been there. She’d been looking for him. She never saw him. She waited for him to continue.

  “I went. I went to the movies. I was across the street, and I saw you and your friends. I was going to come and join you. But you all looked the same.”

  “No we didn’t.”

  “Yes. You did. You all looked like you had some secret uniform. The way your hands moved. The way you and your sister flipped your hair. The way Charlie and Tony had their hands in their pockets.”

  “So what?”

  “I just wanted to hang out with you. I just wanted it to be like it was. Just me and you and not the whole world.”

  “But we can’t just live in these woods!” Tessa said.

  “Why not?”

  “Because what about when school starts? What about then?”

  “Exactly. I don’t want to have to sit with you at lunch. I don’t want to have to go to this party or that. I just want us to be alone. Private. Just me and you.”

  “But that’s not the way the world works.”

  “But it’s the way my world works.”

  “I stood there and waited.”

  “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Why didn’t you just tell me no?”

  “Because I thought I could do it. I thought I could try to be normal so I could be with you.”

  “What are you afraid of?” Tessa yelled. “Are you chicken?”

  “I’m not chicken.”

  Full of fury, she hooked her thumbs under armpits and made wings and started to cock a doodle doo. She could see that it bothered him. It made her crow louder.

  “Shut up,” he said.

  “Don’t you want to be my boyfriend?”

  “Yes. I do. I like you. I really like you. I just have to do it my way.”

  Tessa made more chicken noises.

  “Don’t be like this,” he said. “I said I was sorry. Let’s just go back to the way it was.”

  But something had shifted. The tarp slapped against the tree. The branches bent in the wind. The roots from the trees looked more exposed and gnarled.

  She looked at him. All the softness in him had shed. Hard jaw. Sharp chin. Set ways.

  He shook his head. Disappointed, he stood up and started to walk away.

  She let him walk away until she realized that she wanted it to go back to the way it was before, too. But she was too late. He was gone.

  She ended up below Jasper’s window.

  She threw rocks at it.

  She called his name.

  She screamed at the tree in front of his window.

  She begged.

  She apologized.

  She cursed.

  She pleaded.

  His mother came out and told her to go home.

  Jasper didn’t even come to the window to see how wild he’d made her.

  chapter

  sixteen

  chapter

  seventeen

  For three days the skies were black. The rain pounded so hard that the flowers broke, trees split, and havoc was wreaked. On the fourth day there was sun and quiet and a sky that had never been so blue. After being cooped up inside with no escape, everyone in town emerged like animals from winter’s sleep to stretch in the summer day.

  Lulu and Tessa hopped on their bikes. They went straight to Celina’s. Tessa made a concerted effort to not look over to the woods. She stared instead at the river and at the things that floated by.

  It was a fine day. They called Charlie who promised he’d be over in a little bit. The girls put on their swimsuits. Tessa psyched herself up for the arrival of Lionel. She decided that she would flirt with him. Even if he was not Charlie, he was, with no contest, the sweetest of all the boys they knew. His dark blue eyes were full of care. His hands were always clean and soft. He was always paying attention and would point out a pothole or a rusty nail for all to avoid.

  “The water is rough,” Celina’s mom said. “Be careful.”

  The girls put their blankets and towels down on the dock. They took out their slices of melon and ate. They heard the boys whooping and hollering before they saw them as they ran down the hill. Charlie swept Lulu up into his arms and covered her in kisses. At those kisses, Tessa looked over to Jasper’s woods. She wondered if he was there.

  Lionel was there on the blanket next to her. He pinched her playfully. She responded the way she saw Lulu and Celina respond with their boys. She was tickled. She was coy. She was not at all like herself. She pretended it didn’t matter. Even though something felt hollow and wrong. Even though she longed for Jasper. Even though she did nothing about it.

  The river rushed by them. They could see debris from the storm. They could see white-capped swirls.

  “That storm was fierce,” Tessa said.

  “The river looks strong,” Charlie said.

  “Let’s jump in and check it out,” Celina said. Celina and Charlie jumped. Tony and Lionel jumped. The river sped them up, and they looked small down where they were. They stuck their hands up in the air. They waved.

  Come in. Come in.

  Come in. Come in.

  Their arms were waving. They were so far down the river already. What a thrill!

  The sun shone. The light made the river look silver.

  “Let’s go!” Lulu said.

  “Let’s go!” Tessa said.

  Jumping.

  Tessa went first.

  Then Lulu jumped right after Tessa.

  She jumped right in.

  Tessa hit the water. Freezing. Cold. Loud. Surprising. There was a pulling at her legs. She was being pulled swiftly, now the houses blurred by her. She didn’t remember the river ever being this fast. She tried to use her arms, but they had never seemed so heavy. Strange. Usually water made her seem light not heavy. A force twirled her, so now she was facing down river. Up river. Down river. The green of the trees was impossible. The pulling made her go under and her nose was filled with water. Now her head was underwater. Now above. Now under. Now gasping, struggling. Not swimming. Just trying to keep her head above water.

  Now being scratched. Now losing air.

  She could only think of one thing. Where is the shore? Where is the shore? Why is it so far away?

  Tessa lifted her arms again. Tried to kick her feet. Nothing worked. Swimming just made her go deeper down.

  Where am I?

  Scared now. Now she was scared.

  Underwater. Underwater. Underwater.

  Nothing made sense. Fighting the water was exhausting. She was tired. Sleepy.

  The sun was turning hazy, filtered through the brown river water. Which way was up? Tessa didn’t know.

  This does not make any sense.

  Go to sleep. She heard voices. Voices singing to her to stop fi
ghting. To stop swimming. To stop. Just stop.

  They said to her, “You don’t have to try so hard. Just let go.”

  Just float there. Just rest.

  Tessa opened her mouth and there was only water and no air. She thought, The water is so soft.

  The first thing she saw were his eyes. Blue eyes. Jasper’s eyes. And they were wet. At first Tessa thought it was from the water. But then she realized that it was from tears.

  She tried to talk. She was glad at first to see Jasper. She’d missed him so much, and she wanted to say she was sorry. Wanted to say she wanted things to be like they were before. She tried to lift her hand to touch his face. She wanted to ask him why he was crying. Couldn’t. Didn’t feel right. Felt weak. Scratched. She lifted her hand. Cupped his face. Smiled, because that was all she could do.

  Sirens blared. Got closer.

  “Don’t move,” he said. “Shhh. Don’t move.”

  She was on the ground. Soaking wet and on the ground. Tessa turned her head. Celina was near her laying on the ground. There was blood on her. She was screaming. Charlie was standing up. His letter jacket was over his shoulders but his skin was blue. His bathing trunks shredded. He was shivering. Tony was by a tree. Hands over his face. Lionel was holding him tenderly.

  “What’s happening?” Tessa said.

  She began to shiver.

  “She’s going into shock,” someone said.

  Jasper wrapped her up in a towel. He rubbed her arms and legs. She felt warmer. There was something on her mind. A question she couldn’t form. Something was missing.

  “Where is Lulu?” she asked.

  There was silence. The doors slamming. Celina’s mother was screaming.

  “Where is Lulu?” she asked again.

  Walkie-talkies crackling. Firemen. Stretchers. Jasper holding her hand.

  “Where is Lulu?” Now panicked. Now remembering how strong the water was. How it was not gentle, as it had been before. How the water had had its way with her. Had tried to beat her and made her slip under it over and over again. How it had pulled her faster than she had wanted to go.

  “WHERE IS LULU?”

  “LULU!”

  “LULU!”

  “LULU!”

  Jasper hands cupped her hands. His forehead to her forehead.

  “I couldn’t find her.”

  “She was with me in the water.”

  “We couldn’t find her.”

  “She was right next to me in the water.”

  “I only saw you. I only found you.”

  And then he blinked. Those blue eyes looking at her.

  And she looked back at him with all the parts in her that had been dragged under the water. The part that had her heart. The part that took Lulu. She looked at him and she didn’t have to use her words to tell Jasper that she wasn’t sorry anymore. That she didn’t want him in the woods, she only wanted Lulu out of the water.

  The only thing she told him with her eyes was that she hated him.

  But she hated herself more for still being alive.

  chapter

  eighteen

  chapter

  nineteen

  Tessa didn’t know that the most beautiful day of summer could be so dark. Even though the sun was out. Even though the sky was a shocking blue. Even though every flower had suddenly decided to bloom again. She wore black. Everyone wore black. Celina wasn’t there. She was in the hospital with a broken back. Her back broken. She would never walk again. And Lulu was laid out for all to see before she would be cremated and put in an urn.

  It didn’t help that there were so many dragonflies and that someone once told her that dragonflies were the souls of the newly departed. Tessa didn’t believe that anything magical existed. If there was, then why would Lulu be dead? Why would she be alive?

  Her mother was leaning against her father. He was holding her up. Tessa thought that she might sink to her knees and tear at the grass on the ground until it was all gone. She felt a rumbling inside her. Like there was the mouth of a monster in her belly waiting to swallow her up.

  She listened as people said things about Lulu. She spoke words she didn’t remember writing. She sang along with the others to a song that Lulu used to listen to on repeat. She watched as they all walked back to their cars. She watched as they went back home and ate food and talked in hushed voices. She watched as they all left, no one really knowing what to say. Her mother in the living room, trying to find some music that would get her through the night. Her father cooking, because that was all he could think of to do.

  Tessa had to let them know which outfit Lulu would have wanted to wear. Tessa knew. They wanted to dress her in the wrong dress. She made her mother buy Lulu a pair of shoes. She didn’t want her sister in the open casket wearing bedazzled flip flops.

  When they finally found Lulu she was bloated and blue. Her bathing suit was shredded. She was not recognizable.

  At night Tessa had to cover her ears and pretend that she did not hear her mother wailing. Her mother didn’t even sound human anymore. And despite how sad she was, Tessa couldn’t help but wonder if her mother would have wailed as loudly for her. Would it have been the same if she had died? Would it have been different?

  In the hospital, Celina’s face was swollen and her eyes black and blue. Her legs and back wrapped in plaster.

  “I’ll never walk again,” Celina said. “I’ll never walk. I just wish I had died.”

  Tessa ran out of the room.

  And where was Jasper?

  He had disappeared. Hadn’t come to the funeral. Didn’t come to hold Tessa’s hand. Didn’t come to make sure that she was OK.

  Charlie did. Charlie came and visited every day. He held her hand. He read to her from magazines and made her playlists and loaded them up for her. He paid her the kind of attention that she’d always craved and didn’t want anymore. After all of that, she realized that she didn’t like Charlie. He wasn’t for her. He was for Lulu. She wanted Jasper.

  Tessa hated the water. Didn’t want to shower. Didn’t want to drink it. She didn’t look out at the river anymore. She couldn’t stand the sight of it. She stifled out the sound with loud music and she blasted it upstairs in her room. Her mother was in the garage with her old guitar amp turned up to ten. Mournful fuzz and feedback was mimicking and covering up sobs.

  Tessa had lost so much weight in such a short time. She could see the bones of her skeleton pressing through her skin. Paper skin. Blue veins. She thought they might just burst through. She already felt like she had no skin on. She wondered if her bones could just walk away from her, leaving her a puddle of skin on the floor.

  That’s what she was. They all were puddles of skin.

  One night, the stars were out. There was no moon. The night was cruel when it had no moon. Tessa looked out her window. She’d been sitting in the sun nook for hours and had watched the sky go from blue to pink to orange to black. She had seen the first star come out and had made a wish. She sat so long that she saw the constellations come and go.

  She had found the blade in the back of her vanity. It was an old one, and it was wrapped in wax paper with a little piece of folded cardboard over it. She’d found it a few years back but only remembered that it was there that night. She opened the drawer, pulled it out all the way. Shook out its contents on the floor: lip liner, pencil sharpener, paper clip, postage stamp, blush brush. There it was. Right there.

  Remove the cardboard. Press the point on her thumb. She felt it. Sharp.

  She turned her wrist over and wondered which way she should cut. Wondered if she did, if it would hurt? Wondered how long it would take. Wondered if her death would be the same as Lulu’s? How much blood would there be? And would it feel like drowning?

  At the hospital, Charlie had told her everything, because he had seen it. She could tell that he didn’t want to relive it as he told her.

  “You were dead,” Charlie said after finishing up a sandwich and prompting her to spoon soup
into her mouth.

  “No, I didn’t die,” Tessa said. “I lived.”

  He put the spoon down and pressed a hand to his eyes as if it would be easier to talk about if he didn’t have to see. He said the words like they didn’t belong to him. His other fist punching his thigh marking each event, like bullet points.

  “You came out of the water. Jasper pulled you out of the water. And you were so blue. Jasper was screaming that you were blue.”

  She had been cold when she woke up.

  “I don’t remember that,” Tessa said.

  “Jasper punched your chest. Punched it,” Charlie said. Charlie was crying, but didn’t care that he was. Snot was coming out of his nose and he wiped it with the back of his sleeve. His eyes were still closed.

  She had remembered Jasper kissing her. His voice sounded far away. She was floating and he was warm on her lips. And then there was air in her lungs.

  “He brought you back,” Charlie said. “We thought we’d lost you, too. If it weren’t for Jasper…”

  “But he should have looked for Lulu. He should have gone after her. You all should have.”

  “We couldn’t see her anymore. We only saw you. You are the one that we saw.”

  Tessa pushed aside the memory of those troubled first days at the hospital.

  Tessa put the point of the blade to her wrist. Sweat gathered on her upper lip. Would it hurt? Would someone pull it out of her skin? Wasn’t she still drowning now?

  She turned her arm over and carved five letters into it: I DIED. There was blood. She sopped it up with Kleenex. She had so many boxes of Kleenex in her room now, mostly empty. The garbage can was full of used ones, and her face was raw from tears.

  Tessa came downstairs holding a towel soaked in blood to her wrist. Her mother had screamed when she saw the blood. Then her mother had sunk down to the floor.

  “No. No! NO!” She’d said, not seeing at first that Tessa wasn’t dead, too.

  Her mother collapsed into her father’s arms.

  “She’s OK,” he soothed. “She just cut herself.”

  “Tessa!” her mother screamed. “Tessa. You scared me.”

  Tessa couldn’t look her mother in the eyes. She couldn’t say anything to them. She had no words. She couldn’t say that she was sorry. If she did, she might break.